Keep Me From Forgetting
by Sugary.-.Snow
Summary: *Yaoi/rape* IchiHitsu Ichigo goes off to college, leaving Toshiro in Karakura Town. Trying to deal with his homophobic mother and cheating boyfriend, Toshiro does his best to just forget everything.


I never did like the long distance thing.

There were too many complications. We barely had enough time to call each other every now and then. And when we did call it was at some odd hour of the night.

"Shiro-chan?"

The girl next to me whispered my nickname that I hated so much.

"What do you want?" I whispered back, clearly annoyed with her.

"You-you were daydreaming again. I just don't want you to fall behind in class…" She said before nervously scribbling down more notes.

"Whatever." I had stopped caring about what the teacher was saying long ago.

I was constantly in classes or doing homework but for some reason I still had time to think of the strangest things. I hated to be so deep in thought that I'd forget what I was doing once I snapped back to reality.

I would think of Ichigo (of course) and I'd think of how our relationship was looked down upon considering the age difference. I would be turning 16 this December and Ichigo had turned 21 in July. Ichigo had gone off to some college far away and I was stuck here, in Karakura Town, bored as hell and eagerly awaiting his return.

I would also start to wonder how Ichigo spent his time every day. Probably studying right? I hoped so. Honestly I hoped he was so busy he hardly had time to go outside. It was because…I always had this strange feeling that those college girls couldn't be controlled. And if they starting coming onto him…

I'm being a selfish, jealous brat aren't I? I can't help it! Every second Ichigo was away I just kept thinking about who was trying to flirt with him. Who was trying to steal him from me…?

I really don't know why Ichigo took an interest in me in the first place. We started dating two years ago when I was 13 and he was 18. Naturally, girls were all over him. So why did he decide to pursue a 13 year old boy who's only good trait was probably his unique colored hair?

To this day I have no idea but I really don't care. All that matters now is that we were together and nothing could tear us apart…right?

When the bell rang I jumped with surprise and quickly gathered my things.

"Hey Shiro-chan!"

It was that damned annoying girl again. Touno Midori.

"Yes, Touno-san?" I replied slinging my bag over my shoulder.

"My friends and I were wondering…if you'd like to hang out after school today." Midori asked nervously smiling.

"Sorry, no, I have things to do," I said without hesitation. Leaving the classroom I slowly made my way down the hallways actually not very eager to go home. After thinking for a moment I turned back around and re-entered the classroom.

Midori and her friends looked at me hopefully.

"Change of plans, looks like I can go." I said without emotion.

"Cool!" Midori's friend smiled happily.

For the next few hours I was asked stupid questions about myself at some random café I didn't even know the name of.

"What's your favorite color?"

"When's your birthday?"

"What's your favorite food?"

"Do you have any siblings?"

"Did you really invite me here just to talk about _me_?" They were really becoming more and more irritating each second.

"Sorry," One of Midori's friends whom I still haven't learned the name of. "We just have one more question."

"What is it?"

"Is it true you're dating a college student?"

That's where they crossed the line.

"Is that any of your business?" I could feel myself turning red.

"We're sorry Toshiro! We just really wanted to know!" Midori said quickly.

"I think it's time for me to go." I stood up from my seat and angrily left the café.

That was a complete waste of time. But that was okay; I wanted them to waste my time. I'd do anything to keep me from going home, even if just for a little while.

It was 4:30 now. It'd only been about an hour before school had ended and I was already heading home which was unusual for me. Usually I stayed out for hours and only went home when everyone was asleep.

Slipping off my shoes I stepped into the quiet house and shut the door behind me. I tried to creep up the stairs as quickly as I could without running into any of my family members but my luck was horrible.

On my way up the stairs I ran into my older brother who was on his way down the stairs.

"Aaah, Shiro-chan, watch where you're going," Gin said pushing me out of his way.

"Sorry." I mumbled before continuing up the stairs.

"Mom, Dad, Toshiro is home!" Gin yelled.

Now I ran up all the way to my room. I didn't want to talk to my parents, especially my homophobic mother. She was only just a harsh reminder that I'd never be accepted into this family. Every time I looked at her I remembered the day they found out I was gay and dating someone 5 years older than I was.

I thought my secret was so well hidden. I thought no one would ever find out…

* * *

_~3 Years Ago~_

Ichigo's voice was like music to my ears as he called out to me, "Toshiro!" He was here to pick me up from school again.

It was still early January so it was cold. Quickly I ran over to his car and got in the passenger's side, happy to get out of the freezing winter air.

"Thank you for picking me up from school today, Ichigo," I smiled up at the orange haired man.

"No problem," Ichigo smiled back and started up the car. "Want to go back to my place?"

"Sure!" I grinned excitedly. I loved going to Ichigo's apartment. And not only because the evenings I spent there usually ended in oral sex. I also loved going there because while I was there I just felt closer to Ichigo. Closer than anyone else had ever been to him and everything just felt right.

At Ichigo's apartment we talked for a while, watched some TV and just as I had predicted Ichigo suddenly pulled me closer and kissed me, first on the cheek then on the lips.

Of course I kissed back. His hot wet mouth seemed so inviting…

Ichigo began unbuttoning my school uniform and I unbuttoned his. I began to hear heavy drops of rain hit the window as Ichigo yanked off my pants.

Without wasting any time he began pulling off my boxers as well.

"Ichigo, wait I—aaah!"

He'd begun to lick the head of my already hard member causing me to groan with pleasure. Then he took the whole thing in his mouth and began to suck while bobbing his head up and down.

"Aaah," I moaned with pleasure again and knit my fingers in his bright orange hair.

The more Ichigo sucked the more the pressure began building up in my lower abdomen. Finally my vision went white as I came into Ichigo's mouth. He swallowed most of it and kissed me again.

Remembering we were on the floor he pulled me up and led me to the bed. Where he discarded the remainder of his clothing and stared straight into my eyes for confirmation. This would be our first time going all the way.

"Are you ready?" He positioned himself at my entrance.

Taking a deep breath I gripped his back and nodded, "Yeah."

Starting out slow he pushed his large member into me causing me to cry out in pain then stopped completely. As the pain shot through me, I dug my nails into his back. It took me a few minutes to adjust to Ichigo's size but when I did I nodded again.

"O-okay, you can move," I told him and he began to move slowly again.

He thrust in and out but the slow pace was driving me insane.

I moaned, "F-faster!"

He began to pick up the pace and I subconsciously began to move my hips with his trying to keep up.

When we came and called out each other's names the noise we made could barely be heard through the sound of crackling thunder and lightning.

I laid there with him holding me.

"I love you, Toshiro," Ichigo kissed my forehead.

"I love you too, Ichigo," I replied. It was past midnight and I was beyond exhausted. Also, we both had school in the morning so I didn't try to fight the sleep that soon overcame me.

Early in the morning about 5:30 AM when it was still dark outside Ichigo dropped me off in front of my house. I waved goodbye to him and tried my best to unlock the door and step inside without making any noise.

But once I was inside I found out my efforts were useless anyway. Both my mother and father were awake and seemed to have been sitting on the couch waiting all night for my arrival.

"Toshiro," my father, Jushiro, began, "Your mother and I—"

My mother cut my father off, "Where the hell have you been?"

"I…I was over a friend's house…" I said quietly looking down at my feet.

My mother stood up and walked over to me, "Over a friend's house? And you didn't bother to call us and tell us where you were or what friend you were with?"

I didn't respond. There was nothing I could say.

"Oh you couldn't call us. Because you left your cellphone here," my mother waved the small phone in front of my face.

"Give that to me!" I said quickly trying to snatch the thing from her.

She held it out of my reach. "Why? Is there something you don't want us to see?"

I had to get it back…"N-no!"

"Toshiro, we know about Ichigo." My father told me plain and simple.

Immediately I fell to my knees in shock. "No…" My eyes began to grow warm and wet with tears, "This wasn't supposed to happen…"

"We've read all your dirty little texts and seen all the pictures," my mother dropped the phone and leaned toward me. "When were you planning on telling us?"

"Telling you what?" I covered my eyes with my hands.

"That you were gay? That you had a boyfriend? Why would to try to keep that a secret?" My mother gently removed my hands from my eyes so I could see her.

"Because…" I wouldn't be fooled by my mother's fake gentleness. She probably wanted to slap me right now. I knew she hated gay people. She thought it was unnatural and disgusting. "Because I know how you are!" I yanked away from her and grabbed my phone, standing up, "I know you'd never accept me for who I am if you knew!"

"H-hey, what's going on in down here?" My brother Gin slowly walked down the stairs rubbing his eyes, "It's five in the morning, why's everyone yelling?"

I quickly tried to run up the stairs to my room but my mother grabbed my arm and pulled my back down.

"This is just a phase, Toshiro; I know you'll grow out of it! You're only 13 years old!" She sounded like she was trying to convince herself instead of me.

"I know what I am!" I yelled at her. "If I say I'm gay then I'm gay, why can't you just accept that?"

My mother began to get angry, "Because…it's an abomination! It's repulsive and the thought of my son and another man touching each other—!"

"Well guess what! The reason I didn't come home yesterday is because I was with another man! And we did more than touch! We kissed and we…we…we had sex…!"

As soon as those last words left my mouth I knew I'd regret them.

My mother just stared at me for a couple more seconds before slapping me and walking over to my father, "I can't look at you right now, GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

I ran up to my room, breathing heavily and slammed the door shut, collapsing on my bed. I was so angry! Holding my cheek where she'd hit me I felt tears streaming down my face. I began punching my pillow to relieve some of my anger. It barely helped.

Soon my father walked in. He sat down next to me for a second before pulling me into a tight hug. "No matter what your mother says, Toshiro, I will always love you for who you are. I want you to know that."

"Then why didn't you say anything?" I continued to cry, "Why didn't you defend me?"

My father sighed, "I didn't want to upset her more than she already was."

I pushed away from him, "You should've said something! Anything! Just…just get out of my room…"

He stood up, "You can stay home from school today if you want." He said before leaving and shutting the door behind him.

After a while I'd stopped crying and decided I didn't want to stay home. Staying home meant I had to be in the same house as her all day. But I definitely wasn't going to school. It was still early in the morning. Almost 7:00. I called Ichigo's cellphone.

"Hello? Toshiro?" Ichigo answered.

"Ichi-Ichigo…" I stuttered as I felt tears threatening to fall again at the sound of his voice.

"Toshiro, what's wrong? Did something happen?" Ichigo sounded worried.

"C-can you pick me up from my house? It's my parents…they…they found out about us…" That was all I needed to say.

"I'll be there in ten minutes," Ichigo said quickly.

"Thank you," I sniffed, "I love you Ichigo."

"I love you too, Toshiro," then we both hung up.

I spent the next couple of weeks at Ichigo's house until my father practically begged me to come back. He said my mother would learn to accept me if I came back and that they missed me. I didn't really believe him. I didn't believe my mother wanted me to come home and Gin probably didn't care. But I came home anyway.

My mother barely ever spoke to me and when she did she couldn't even look me in the eye. But all of that was fine with me. I didn't want to talk to her anyway_. _I didn't want to talk to anyone.

* * *

I sat on my bed and grabbed a family photo of us. This was before they'd found out my secret, before all this damned drama happened. I stared at my own face in the picture. It was like looking at a completely different person. I looked _happy, genuinely happy_ to be with my family.

I threw the picture on the floor and sighed. I would probably never be that happy with them again… Damn I wish Ichigo were here.

Picking up my cellphone I decided to call him.

"Hello…" came his tired voice. How could he be sleeping at about 5:00?

I tried to sound as happy as I could, "Hey, Ichigo! I'm sorry to bother you, were you sleeping?"

"No, it's cool, I'm awake. Just…give me a second…" I could hear lots of movement on the other line and…_whispering_?

"Is…is someone there with you? Do you have company? I'm sorry if I called at a bad time or something!" I said quickly thinking of all the people he could've been whispering to.

Was it a male or female? And why would they have been there while he was…asleep…

I quickly tried to dismiss all suspicious thoughts I had. He lived in a dorm right? So it was probably his roommates! Yeah that was it…roommates…

"No its okay," Ichigo sounded happy to talk to me. "So what's up?"

"I just called to…hear your voice… I really miss you," I nervously began playing with the comforter on my bed.

"I really miss you too," Ichigo said, "Don't worry, winter break is almost here and I'll come home for Christmas. I'll also be bringing a big surprise for you to, one for your birthday and one for Christmas."

"You don't have to do that," I said quietly. I hadn't even thought about getting him anything yet.

"It's okay, I already got you your gifts," Ichigo sounded really excited, "I can't wait to see you!"

"I can't wait either," I smiled at the thought of seeing him again. It'd been months since I last saw him. Thankfully this would be his last year of college since he was only aiming for a two year degree. He'd be out of college completely in June. Then maybe…we could move in together and…

"Toshiro are you still there?"

"Yeah, sorry I was just thinking," I said.

Ichigo paused, "About what?"

"About seeing you again for Christmas, it's going to be so much fun!" I didn't really want to bring up our plans for the future right now.

When I got off the phone with Ichigo I did my boring homework until there was a heavy knock on my door. Only Gin knocked like that.

"What?"

He swung the door open, "It's time for dinner. Come downstairs."

"No." I said simply. "I don't eat dinner with a family I'm not a part of."

"You need to stop acting like that and get your ass downstairs." Gin said sternly, "Whether you like it or not you are a part of this family."

"Well then why doesn't she act like it?" I yelled. "Why doesn't she act like I'm her son?"

Gin just sighed and stared at me for a couple of seconds. "Just come downstairs."

I ate dinner with them. I didn't say a word throughout the whole meal though. My mother didn't say much either, and I was glad she didn't. When dinner ended everyone went up to their rooms to sleep.

_Ichigo's POV_

I couldn't help but feeling guilty when Toshiro called. I'd dropped out of college a while ago and was currently staying with an old classmate, Rukia.

Rukia's relationship with me had grown to more than just friends after some time and I told her about Toshiro. She didn't care she said he didn't have to know and we could still be together for now. I knew this wasn't right and I'd planned on telling him for months now but… I just can't bring myself to hurt him… I still love Toshiro so much but Rukia…

"Hey Ichigo, I'm leaving for my night-classes now, see you later," Rukia said smiling.

"Alright bye," I glanced at her before she left, leaving me alone in the house to wallow in my guilt. "Dammit, Toshiro… Why do I still love you?"

I knew our relationship was wrong from the beginning but I couldn't help it. Something about Toshiro just drew me in. I had to choose. Who did I love more? Rukia, or Toshiro?

Rukia didn't mind us continuing on like this. With me still being in a relationship with Toshiro but fucking her on the side. Toshiro and I had been through so much together… For almost 3 years we'd stuck by each other through thick and thin. How could I just cheat on him like this?

Ugh. I hated having too much time to think like this. It was going to drive me insane. My "Winter Break" would be starting in a week and a half. That's when Rukia got out of school at least and I agreed to drive her to Karakura Town with me so she could see her older brother, Byakuya for Christmas.

Maybe seeing Toshiro again will help me decide…and if I decided to be with Rukia I'd have to tell him then. I couldn't keep leading him on like this anymore. On the other hand if I decided to stay with Toshiro I'd have to tell Rukia she had to find some other ride back to the dorm. It was as simple as that.

_Toshiro's POV_

The next few weeks I waited excitedly in anticipation for Ichigo's arrival. He said he'd pick me up from my house but I didn't exactly want to wait there. So I walked to the closest convenience store to get a soda. To my surprise I saw a car that looked exactly like Ichigo's in the parking lot.

Quickly I went inside and looked around. In one aisle I saw the top of my orange haired boyfriend and ran over to that aisle to see Ichigo and some dark haired girl.

"Ichigo!" I smiled and hugged him.

Completely surprised by my being there he stuttered as he introduced the dark haired girl.

He ran his fingers through his bright orange hair, "Hey Toshiro! …Um Toshiro this is Rukia. Rukia, this is my boyfriend Toshiro."

I tilted my head at the small girl. She was about my height; I could be a bit taller though.

"Hello," I tried to smile at her.

She smiled back, "Hi."

"I was just going to drop Rukia off at her brothers and…" I looked at the shelf they were looking at before I had walked up to them. "…then I was going to get you from your house."

Ichigo attempted to guide me away from the aisle but I wouldn't move. I looked him straight in the eye, "_Pregnancy Tests_?"

"Yeah, I asked Ichigo to help me pick one out cause me and my boyfriend don't use protection and—" Rukia began speaking.

"Okay." I said narrowing my eyes at her. I didn't believe her at all. I wanted to strangle her. I wanted to strangle _Ichigo_. What the fuck was going on behind my back? Ichigo could be doing anything at that dorm, "Ichigo, you can do whatever the hell you were supposed to do before I showed up and you can just pick me up at my house like you were supposed to. Or don't…whichever is…fine."

I turned around and ran out of the convenience store.

I heard Ichigo call out to me, "Toshiro, wait!"

Screw him! No matter how much I wanted to stop and turn back around I couldn't. Why would that damned girl ask _him_ of all people help her pick out a _pregnancy_ _test_ unless…unless he…

I didn't even want to think about it. I just kept on running. I ran past my house. I didn't want to see their faces right now. I needed to be alone.

I ran all the way to the park that was 4 blocks away from my house. I sat on the swing slowly rocking back and forth while staring at the ground.

I thought of all the possibilities of what was going on between Ichigo and that girl. She could've been telling the truth and they were just friends and he was just helping her out. Or…Ichigo was…cheating on me with her. And they were looking at pregnancy tests together because…she thought she might be pregnant and because it's partially his responsibility so he was helping her…

I really wanted to believe the first possibility but…my mind just wouldn't let me!

"Toshiro…"

I looked behind me to see Ichigo walking over to the swing-set where I was sitting.

"What do you want?" I glared at him.

He grabbed me and pulled me into a big hug. "I was going to wait until your birthday but…" He pulled out a long box. "This is for you."

Slowly I grabbed the box and opened it. It was a long silver necklace that looked expensive. Connected to the necklace was the _yin_ part of a yin and yang symbol. Ichigo helped me put the necklace on then showed me his necklace. It was the other piece of the symbol.

"Thank you…" I said quietly.

"I thought it would be perfect for us. So you'll know that you complete me," he kissed me on the forehead.

"Then…tell me the truth. Is there anything between you and that Rukia girl?" I stared him straight in the eye.

Ichigo took a deep breath, "Toshiro…I've been…cheating on you with her for a few months."

That was all he needed to say. I stood up and ripped off the necklace he just gave me, "You _bastard_!" My eyes grew warm with tears. "So that's why you were with her? She might have your kid huh? Well I hope you have a happy life with her!"

I began walking away.

I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Toshiro wait! Can't we just talk—?"

"Don't touch me!" I hit his hand off me, "We're done talking. I never want to see you again."

After that I just walked the empty streets of the city. Now it was dark and only a few people were out. It started to rain. Good. Maybe that would hide my…tears.

I sat down on a random bus stop bench I found and let the rain soak my clothes.

"What am I waiting here for?" I said quietly to myself. "No one's going to come looking for me this time…" More tears rolled down my cheeks, "I'm all alone."

"Are you really?"

I quickly turned to see a man standing at the bus stop next to me. He was dressed in all black and had a black hooded jacket on. He was smoking a cigarette.

"Who are you?" I asked already getting ready to run away.

"You don't need to know my name boy." He put out the cigarette and took a step in my direction. As he moved toward me I moved in the opposite direction. "Why don't you come with me?" He smirked, "And we can have some fun together."

"Get away from me!" I stood up and was prepared to walk away until he grabbed my arm pulling me against him.

"Not so fast," he whispered to me, "You're not going anywhere anytime soon."

My brain went into absolute panic mode.

"Let go of me!" I yelled but no one was around to hear me.

He began dragging me to an alleyway I hadn't even realized was behind us. When the man began pulling off my clothes I began screaming and begging for him not to. I begged for him to stop and let me go but there was no point.

Before I knew it he was thrusting himself in and out of me. Everything was happening so fast that my vision was blurred and tears continuously streamed down my face along with the rain. All of it was painful, emotionally and physically. I had barely even realized it when we was finish with me and threw me to the ground.

After he left I found the strength to put my clothing back on and I just sat there. I was hoping the rain would wash away everything, all my filth and guilt and sadness. I wish someone could teach me how to forget. My family, Ichigo, and what just happened to me. Life would be so much easier if I just forgot everyone and everything around me. I wish I would just die.

Life didn't get better after that. I still wasn't accepted into my own family only this time I didn't have Ichigo to call.

Months passed. I think even years went by before I saw Ichigo again. I had gotten my own place and I was living alone while still going to school.

I was sitting on my bed watching whatever was on TV when I heard a knock on my door.

Sighing I stood up and opened the door to see my former orange haired lover.

"Ich…Ichigo…" I said quietly staring at him wide-eyed.

"Toshiro!" Without warning the older male stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me. "I've missed you."

"What are you doing here Ichigo?" I didn't know what else to say.

"I came here to see you of course," Ichigo smiled. "Can I come in?"

I hesitated but let him in.

We both sat on the small couch in an awkward silence for a few minutes.

"It turns out…Rukia was pregnant. She had our child but…we aren't together. I do go visit every once in a while but…" Ichigo stopped talking and looked at the floor.

"Why did you want to see me?" I wasn't sure about my feelings towards Ichigo. I didn't hate him but I wasn't sure if I still loved him.

"I wanted to see you because," he paused, "I wanted to know if we could maybe pick up where we left off."

"No." I said simply.

Ichigo really didn't seem surprised. "I understand if you're still angry with me but could you at least think about it?"

"No." I said again.

"Why not?"

"You don't know what happened to me that day," I couldn't look him in the eye. I could almost feel the cold wet raindrops on my skin. It sent chills down my spine and thinking about the past again made it feel like things were twisting and turning in my stomach.

Ichigo looked completely confused. "What happened?"

I had tried so hard to forget everything. Ichigo, that man, my family, but now that Ichigo was here again, sitting right in front of me all the feelings from the past came flooding back and it was too much for me to handle.

I felt everything again. The hurt from my family, my love for Ichigo, the pain I felt when I found out he'd been cheating on me, but worst of all, I felt the same pain and disgust I'd felt when that strange man _raped_ me.

At that moment I wanted to die, I _already_ felt dead inside.

"Toshiro," Ichigo grabbed my hand, "What's wrong? Please tell me!"

I hadn't even realized that I'd begun crying.

"I…um…" Was I really going to tell him? "…That day…when I said I never wanted to see you again, I walked to a bus stop and just sat there until this man came up to me. He…dragged me into an alley…and…and…"

Ichigo pulled me into a hug again. "Toshiro, it's okay. You don't have to say anymore."

I tried to push him away, "Ichigo…you…you think I can just forgive you like that?"

He wouldn't let go. "No but… I was hoping we could at least try. One more time, please?"

I cried on his shoulder. I wanted to say no so bad. I wanted to run away and try to forget again but something was holding me back. "O-okay…we can try…just one more time." It was my love for Ichigo that kept me from trying to forget again. He would help me heal the wounds that I just constantly tried to cover up. He would help me live again.


End file.
